My Dear Billy,
Words cannot describe the pain I have been feeling since I discovered your passing. My most treasured and truest friend of a decade that I never had the pleasure of meeting in person. The distance between the North and South of England seemed too far when we were growing up. Now I’m grown, I’d travel the stars for you. I wish we had the chance to hang out before I moved to Canada. We got so busy with our work, studies, lives… days in between messaging became weeks, weeks became months, eventually became years… Time was never on our side, my friend.
I wanted to reach out to you and see how you’re doing, to let you know I’m thinking of you, and that I'm visiting England for the first time in almost half a decade, Bill! So, I had the realisation, the time could be now, I could come visit you. But I'm too late. I’m too late to see you, to hear you say my name again, to laugh together, to hear your qualms, to talk deeply into the night, to support you. I’m too late to give you the biggest squeeze we’ve owed each other since we were 13. Little lonely emo kids with big hearts, struggling with existing, who were there for each other when we needed it the most.
I found a message from 2014 where I told you that, if you died, my soul would be gone and I’d spend weeks reading all through our old messages and just crying. 9 years later, and it hurts so much to be right. I read through our messages, trying to search to see if there are any more thoughts of yours I can read, any photos or videos I can find, just so I can feel like I have your company again. Devastatingly, a lot of it is gone and I’ve already read years of what was found. I’m trawling through the internet, searching for glimpses of you, just in case I get to hear your warm voice again.
Even though our valued friendship never had the chance to bond in person, we shared so much, our love was a pure and emotional bond. You touched my soul and I am comforted in knowing the feelings we shared were mutual. I am so grateful for having known you on such a personal level and to have had your love.
My heart goes out to your family and friends to have such a beautiful treasure ripped out of their lives. You were a god amongst men, William James Arthur Mullin. Your wonderful creativity will live on throughout the lives of those you have touched. You know I’ll always love and cherish your beautiful soul to my own dying day when I hope to finally receive your warm embrace. Thank you so much for everything.
Sleep well, angel.
Your Feebeh, forever.
